I am here again….. I am obviously obsessed. Or manic. Or both. Either way its giving me something to do. I am alone again, him is at work, as usual, as always. That makes me sad and I can be lonely but it is what we both need to do to get by. Our bills get paid and right now work is hard to come by to be deliberately fussy. I will keep my fingers crossed he gets back in the career he deserves, and he really really does deserve it. Redundancy sucks but we are not the only ones. Welcome to the third recession in a matter of years they say. I realise that now we just have to get on with it.
So I was giggling at my “leavers book” earlier. Its exhausting to read in truth. The flood of memories is overwhelming. It was nothing if not eventful my school years, and if anything could scream manic depressive this book would be it. Luckily I was mainly remembered for being utterly loud, brash and dare I say it colloquially mental rather than the depressive miserable and secluded person I could be. Sometimes I just fell apart from my friends for a while, before flitting back to them, now I understand why. Being called mental back then was affectionate. I was out there bat shit crazy man and didn’t give one shit! Crazy made me cool as I was always happy to cause a scene when things got too boring in class and this in turn this would pass the time I was so desperately chasing to get to break times and a fag. This was much to the annoyance of the “geeks” “losers” and “weirdos” I can actually feel some remorseful feelings here building, and do you know what I do deserve them. I was a bitch.They just wanted an education. I wanted a sedative.
Then I go onto think about the teachers who despaired and sometimes cried (More remorse…..gulp) Time spent not in class and elsewhere smoking bongs, having a whitey, going the chip shop, begging for fags outside shops, begging for beer outside shops, puking up beer, fighting over a text message, loitering in hoodies at bus stops, smashing shit up and the list goes on and on. That’s kids for you they say. For me it was only the start of bad behaviour.
If I reflect now. I was a DICK. I was obstinate, distracting, destructive, abusive and generally vile of authority within school grounds. Dinner bags as I affectionately named them would avoid conflict with me at all costs and I could have gotten away with murder some lunch times. I had ADHD diagnosed at some point, not that I cared or took the medication it was irrelevant, I had boys and beer on my mind.
Intelligent and bright, always willing to contribute was over shadowed by needs to apply herself, stop being a distraction and hand homework in. So my education was how should I put it, half hearted. I fluttered through on a wing and a prayer fluking good grades in subjects I had a small interest in. Then I just awkwardly, lazily and without effort gathered the required C grades and above in the rest so to attend the college I wanted to go to. I also made sure I got a U in Religious Education for laughs.
Without further a do I suppose I better include some excerpts to horrify myself further into the reality of my past and I suppose reminisce a little as at the time (the innocence of youth is a good excuse here ha) it WAS fun! I have blocked a lot of the depressive side of my childhood out, it comes tainted with memories that are not so good… and they can wait for now.
I have shortened to key quotes from school friends as some of them wrote real essays haha! I feel happy reading them as I realise I was actually quite liked by those that mattered. It never felt like that at the time however. Urgh insecurities.
YOUTH of YESTERDAY
You are a good mate, sometimes give me a headache but you often make me piss my sides because of your sarcastic jokes! Love HC
Remember your party when T broke your bed + ur whole house wos ruined. Luv LR
all I can say is you are one crazy bitch and really need help! but I somehow put up with you. lots ov love SPH
Hiya, how are u? U know I’m gonna miss u! Ive been going out with you for ages (years). Well im going to see you at college and no doubt still be going out with u, Good luck for the exams and your life, love u loads – him
him was only joking on his designated leavers comment page, it was a daft inside joke I cannot even really remember between us. I already had a boyfriend who was in college in the year above me at the time I will hereby refer to as T. How right could him have been about our future together now over ten years later…….spooky. He says he always loved me even back then. Awwh. him was obviously after something!
gud luk in allll ure exams – u r so gonna need all the luck u can get! Ha ha ha only kiddin 🙂 U r so clever in science even tho u gob off evri lesson n nearly break all the windows wiv ure constant screaming – LB
we have had some right laughs especially in textiles wiv mrs lav bag. Do you remember when we used to empty them bins which were full of shitty material and get in and role each other around in em!! – JG
Well I’ve known you 4 five fucki years an u’ve been a spazz 4 every minute of it, but u’ve always managed 2 make me laff aint ya coz ur a fucking mong! But your a good mong – JPH
Im going to miss u the most in PSE ur a cheeky bitch to Mrs L, u’ve been a top mate good luck in your exams! – RS
how long have i known you for now? 4 years? god I must be brave! You have always been a loud mouth but I luv ya for it n u have made me laff so many times luv u 4eve – RB
good luck ill miss ya coz ur a nutter en alwayz make me laff! love ya loads – KM
its gonna be shit avin to leave coz ur mad as fuck and one of the checkist (sic) little people ive eva met towards teachers en u make me laugh especially when ur arguing with Mrs W in art. love ya loads – SB
do you remember when we got into Mrs W cupboard and u dipped ur finger in red paint and wrote “We can get in Ha ha ha!” and when we dressed as red indians and ran around the other class!! ta ta for now loadsa luv – SS
Gonna miss ur LOUDNESS especially in science n geography, you aint battered A for a while, should do, always gave everyone a laugh inabit – CB
what can i say. I have known you for a few years now and i have come to the conclusion that you are infact mental. You used to be so violent towards me but thankfully you got over that phase lots of luv – DH
Hi we were in primary together then you left and then at SS you hated me most of the time, good luck in your exams – AP
Great, farewell C, eat lots, drink lots, smoke lots, Be a happy bee. get a nice job in a big office. Peace, love empathy – SG
Well that was irony boo……..
Textiles has been THE maddest lesson and it’s all your fault you crazy child! lots of love – KS
Well your one crazy girl! Hope u do really welll in your exams, I remember when u brought the little horses to my house – strange child! Ur loud and happy make sure you stay that way! – VG
I hope you never loose your big gob as it makes you you! – MG
i’ll always remember you in Geography – your mouth at the back of the class shouting shit will miss your big mouth – AW
erm, well you have always been a bit hyper. You haven’t changed much have you? you still take the mickey out of Mrs L and every other teacher love – KC
after five years in your form i still haven’t got used to the screaming. Ah well, at least I’m not going to be in any of your lessons – RS
remember da time you chucked a fat spider at Mrs L (breath) loadsa love – CC
he he well you have made science fun. You’re crazy lol and they say I am – KG
well you have made lessons how can I put it – interesting love – HD
you have a big mouth and need to know how to keep it shut apart from that you are alright lots of love – JJ
Now for teachers……..
C – LOUD is not the word. But seriously, don’t waste your ability – Mrs S
Never short of something to say. Enjoy – Mr P
Dear C, well! Phew! What a character you are. I’m amazed you lasted tge course. you must be the loudest girl in the school no the world. Remember take that little old chip off your shoulder and count your talents. You will achieve a great deal if you let yourself. Think before you speak is lesson one. love from – Mrs H
I think you could probably draw your own conclusion from my leavers book. Cringe.
I suppose I appeared happy, confident, boisterous and cocky from what I can gather from friends opinions on me during school. So then why do I remember so much despair, fear and pain 😦
Mrs H saw the despair but she also saw the potential. Sigh.