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Something's got to give……

Lost in Life and plenty of excuses. May 29, 2013

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Excuses….. I for one are full of them. Ifs and buts are yet another of ones flaws.

Soooo its been erm I don’t even know….. how many weeks… pah months since I last posted on my blog! As per usual in my rather manic world I have been busy doing other things like spending more money than I should and having quite a ball….. albeit with its bad days……. pah weeks. Meh its all change again over this neck of the woods.

So this weeks mood. Mainly Lethargic, whist-full, melancholy, and spacey. Fairly rational and confident. Enjoying work, life and pay day. Feeling a bit chubby. I can’t run due to this god awful chest infection, tooth ache and general blergh mood. Oooooo Rational excuses 😛

My tooth snapped well over a year a go. Seen as I have only been dentist once in 12 years due to irrational fear is why I just keep putting off the inevitable root canal. It was my only ever filling and now my only ever cracked tooth and now a massive massive pain in the proverbial. I debate constantly the vodka and pliers jobby.

I am loving music again. Yey! The besty gave me her downgrade lol. Its same as the old phone I lost. It was like getting back on the bike. So I am forever listening to my favourite music again. I have also discovered some very useful apps and my long lost love of angry birds. I am back out of the dark ages!!! Although it was safe there :-/

You can understand my recent distractions….. or excuses. Typical of the bi mood folk I am for ever covering my behaviour and emotions with excuses. I always need something to be doing or clinging to, to get by. Its strange the ever empty hole I carry. I can never be satisfied. Don’t get me wrong I am more than happy with my lot and life. I am lucky in so many respects. It is so hard for me to explain. Its a sinking feeling I constantly try to cover, fill or ignore. Sometimes it manifests as anxiety, others as reckless behaviours, drugs, drink, fast driving. I crave a mirage always, something to take it away. Adrenalin is my favourite. Hah. If I am not asleep, stoned, drunk, working, speeding, galloping and jumping the horse or in a forbidden place my brain starts chunnering…. and in turn my anxiety worsens. I constantly judge myself, then the depression and guilt comes swinging back round. Ohhh the joys.

Any who. Got to go grab a bath now. Might write again soon. Not promising. That is another thing I have recently decided. No promises, no excuses.

 

Damn you weekend cravings….. February 10, 2013

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So I fell of the coffee wagon yesterday. Royally. I had four which is less than usual but is four more than I had promised myself. I had a huge caffeine withdrawal headache all day on Friday so Yesterday I had one to stave off yet another head pain. Or so I told myself. Just have the one I decided. Its like weaning. FAIL. One led to another to another.

So I look at why. I had a bit of a row with him. We do not argue often but when we do it knocks me for six and I feel shit all day. I am still being regimented in my TEE TOTAL from alcohol,  so instead of turning to drink, coffee it seems is the next best thing. Plus its weekend and I need something to replace the bottle of wine or two I consume on the average Saturday night. So there are my excuses and I am quite aware that is what they are – excuses.

I am enjoying one right now. FAIL. This WILL be the only one today. I could laugh. I can quit alcohol which was a huge land mark for me and this must be the longest I have abstained from a drink since the first time I tried it and yet coffee is walking the hell all over me. What the fuck brain. Seriously what the fuck.

On the plus side Yesterday was not a complete failure I had the most productive afternoon. The house as usual during a hypomanic episode is immaculate and obsessively compulsively arranged. I had a meditation session courtesy of You Tube / Mood Gym and I found I relaxed the best I had ever managed in my life. I swear by making the time to have a chill and clear your mind. It really helps me unwind and focus my manic energies somewhat. Then  I went on to spend 3 hours scrubbing horse tack back to beauty and then oiled the leather half to death. You do have to moisturise dead skin too ha.

Today I feel great. No anxiety what so ever. No head ache. Depression is none existent. Phew this hopefully may be the end to my recent mixed episode.  I have also put on ten pounds too in this last couple of weeks wooo! I am now 110 pounds and my BMI has increased to 17.96 from a worrying 16.31. I am still considered underweight but this is an improvement none the less. Go me!

I also found that I am back functioning as make up sex with him was great last night! Thank god for that. That has been worrying me no end.

So today I am going for a hack out on the horses with my longest suffering best mate J. We really are thick as thieves and I always have a great time when I am with her. In all the years I have known her she has been there for me no matter what and vise versa. I can be myself fully around her and she never judges me. She is in all fairness barmy and I suppose that is why we have clung to each other for over ten years! J is so lucky she has has the most gorgeous baby girl I have ever ever seen. I will hereby refer to her baby Puffit which is her favourite baby snack. She makes my womb pang every time I see her! She is so so intelligent she learns something new daily. I cannot wait to have my own Puffit! I unfortunately won’t see her today she is far too little to join us on a ride out. Trust me when I say as soon as she can we will be pony shopping!!

I then plan on having a massive pamper session tonight. I have a new few treats to use so I am going to indulge. The house is clean and tidy, I will be well exercised from our ride, and I am back in work tomorrow. Seems a good idea to me, to go back refreshed and feeling lovely.

Relax and Unwind today guys 🙂 It is Sunday after all! Treat yourselves!

 

My Ovaries hurt……. February 8, 2013

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Babies babies babies…………They are everywhere. I must admit I am broody. My body clock is tick tick ticking away and I am all settled in my own home with a wonderful man that I want to see the rest of my days out with. I suppose it is inevitable that my womb is desprate to be filled.

So I had a bad smear test result. Severe precancerous cells were removed and in turn my cervix needs twelve months to recover. In some respects it is only a good thing while I am so unstable mentally that I have to wait. This year my mind also needs to heal before I can even contemplate a child. My usual impulsiveness has had to be strictly controlled for my health as well as the babies. There is a strong chance of a miscarriage in the event I did get pregnant so I had better be careful!

So my plan for this year is

  • Complete the house as we still have quite a bit of work left to do. We need carpets, flooring and doors for a few remaining rooms, some plaster work, a good paint, some wall papering and our roof needs minor repair. All costly sadly.
  • Pass my car test then get a car, again sensible when you have a child to cart around as well as prams and all the associated paraphernalia.
  • Straighten out some debts. We are due to re mortgage this year and need to be squeaky clean to be offered a good rate.
  • Get mentally and physically sound. This is already in action and I feel a hell of a lot more optimistic about life. For now. lol.

So I have some goals to achieve before I can even think about a mini me. Tick tock goes the clock. I have work to do 🙂 Wish me luck!! Image

 

A good few days of feeling not so crazy. February 6, 2013

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So on Monday I went back to work, and it was actually not too bad. I didn’t get that nervous really only a few butterflies in my trepidation. I am only doing half days on fairly light duties this week too so I am easing gently back into my role. I do love the company I work for, they have been really really supportive. I just wish I had my strong work ethic and get up and go back. Hopefully that will be the next missing part of my personality to reappear.

I have also spent the last few days writing a large blog piece on something that really cut me up last year and in some respects started my down wood spiral into my recent mental crisis. I have had to have a break from writing about it, as it was encouraging some really unwanted emotions, which right now whilst I am on the “up” I need full control of. It is also still a relatively open ended story with new events unfolding all the time, I will return to it, just when my angry urges to destruct and destroy have subsided somewhat.

People at work have been commenting on my weight. I hate that. I know I am thin right now. Desperately thin. If I do not feel hungry I cannot force myself to eat. I just end up near on throwing up if I do. I have been having some complan shakes and milky coffee so to get some calories in but I know I need to do more. I was talking to my best friend on the phone as she has recently had an awful experience with her now ex fella and she dropped a simular amount of weight with all the stress. B has since put some weight back on but she mentioned she felt worried about piling on too much as she sort of liked being so slim. I find I am getting the same thoughts. Like I want to eat healthy, tone up and build muscle to bulk out rather than eat the weight back on in fat. I also want to give up smoking so I suppose any quitting weight gain would be a bonus.

I need a massive health kick. It is time to act while age is on my side. When I felt so so sick for several weeks over Xmas when all this weight loss first started, I quit coffee as the thought of it coming near me made me wretch. I admit within days even with the sickness I felt more alert, my bladder felt healthier and my head clearer. I found my moods  were a lot more stable (well as stable as they can be with a mood disorder) and I was less irritable. Unfortunately once the sickness subsided I found solace in my old friend,  as food was still a no go and it had a subsistence of sorts. Mainly It provided blood sugar and woke me up a little from my weak and now starved state.

A few weeks of antidepressants and my appetite is now improving, I can eat a small meal in an evening followed by a few bags of crisps and a chocolate bar. Woo. A joint I find also helps.  I am also reluctant to stop the weed right now as its helping me to eat and sleep. One thing at once eh I tell myself, if I try to achieve too much I am setting myself up for failure. I should know I have done it time and time again!

Here we are back on four coffees a day bollocks. So coffee has to go. That is an easy one I know I can do, I also quite like them herbal teas so it is a no brainer as far as I can see. Next is the eating healthy. So I am going to have a “big shop” on Saturday and really overall my diet. Healthy, nutritious and calorific is the plan. Then there is working out. Erm yeah I will wait untill I find the physical energy for exercise,  I only seem to have a tonne of scatty mental energy at the moment that struggles to focus and constantly attempts a hundred thoughts at once. Productive it is not at the moment. Maybe my diet improvements will help my excitable over active brain and power up my tired frail body. I hope so! The getting rid of caffeine is a start. Tomorrow I take my camomile and mint herbal tea to work. Good lass.

 

SCHOOL – at the time it was shit…… February 3, 2013

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I am here again….. I am obviously obsessed. Or manic. Or both. Either way its giving me something to do. I am alone again, him is at work, as usual, as always. That makes me sad and I can be lonely but it is what we both need to do to get by. Our bills get paid and right now work is hard to come by to be deliberately fussy. I will keep my fingers crossed he gets back in the career he deserves, and he really really does deserve it. Redundancy sucks but we are not the only ones. Welcome to the third recession in a matter of years they say. I realise that now we just have to get on with it.

 

So I was giggling at my “leavers book” earlier. Its exhausting to read in truth. The flood of memories is overwhelming. It was nothing if not eventful my school years, and if anything could scream manic depressive this book would be it. Luckily I was mainly remembered for being utterly loud, brash and dare I say it colloquially mental rather than the depressive miserable and secluded person I could be. Sometimes I just fell apart from my friends for a while, before flitting back to them, now I understand why. Being called mental back then was affectionate. I was out there bat shit crazy man and didn’t give one shit! Crazy made me cool as I was always happy to cause a scene when things got too boring in class and this in turn this would pass the time I was so desperately chasing to get to break times and a fag. This was much to the annoyance of the “geeks” “losers” and “weirdos” I can actually feel some remorseful feelings here building, and do you know what I do deserve them. I was a bitch.They just wanted an education. I wanted a sedative.

 

Then I go onto think about the teachers who despaired and sometimes cried (More remorse…..gulp) Time spent not in class and elsewhere smoking bongs, having a whitey, going the chip shop, begging for fags outside shops, begging for  beer outside shops, puking up beer, fighting over a text message, loitering in hoodies at bus stops, smashing shit up and the list goes on and on. That’s kids for you they say. For me it was only the start of bad behaviour.

 

If I reflect now. I was a DICK. I was obstinate, distracting, destructive, abusive and generally vile of authority within school grounds. Dinner bags as I affectionately named them would avoid conflict with me at all costs and I could have gotten away with murder some lunch times. I had ADHD diagnosed at some point, not that I cared or took the medication it was irrelevant, I had boys and beer on my mind.

 

Intelligent and bright, always willing to contribute was over shadowed by needs to apply herself, stop being a distraction and hand homework in. So my education was how should I put it, half hearted. I fluttered through on a wing and a prayer fluking good grades in subjects I had a small interest in. Then I just awkwardly, lazily and without effort gathered the required C grades and above in the rest so to attend the college I wanted to go to. I also made sure I got a U in Religious Education for laughs.

 

Without further a do I suppose I better include some excerpts to horrify myself further into the reality of my past and I suppose reminisce a little as at the time (the innocence of youth is a good excuse here ha) it WAS fun! I have blocked a lot of the depressive side of my childhood out, it comes tainted with memories that are not so good… and they can wait for now.

 

I have shortened to key quotes from school friends as some of them wrote real essays haha! I feel happy reading them as I realise I was actually quite liked by those that mattered. It never felt like that at the time however. Urgh insecurities.

 

YOUTH of YESTERDAY

You are a good mate, sometimes give me a headache but you often make me piss my sides because of your sarcastic jokes! Love HC

Remember your party when T broke your bed + ur whole house wos ruined. Luv LR

all I can say is you are one crazy bitch and really need help! but I somehow put up with you. lots ov love SPH

Hiya, how are u? U know I’m gonna miss u! Ive been going out with you for ages (years). Well im going to see you at college and no doubt still be going out with u, Good luck for the exams and your life, love u loads – him

him was only joking on his designated leavers comment page, it was a daft inside joke I cannot even really remember between us. I already had a boyfriend who was in college in the year above me at the time I will hereby refer to as T. How right could him have been about our future together now over ten years later…….spooky. He says he always loved me even back then. Awwh. him was obviously after something!

gud luk in allll ure exams – u r so gonna need all the luck u can get! Ha ha ha only kiddin 🙂 U r so clever in science even tho u gob off evri lesson n nearly break all the windows wiv ure constant screaming – LB

we have had some right laughs especially in textiles wiv mrs lav bag. Do you remember when we used to empty them bins which were full of shitty material and get in and role each other around in em!! – JG

Well I’ve known you 4 five fucki years an u’ve been a spazz 4 every minute of it, but u’ve always managed 2 make me laff aint ya coz ur a fucking mong! But your a good mong – JPH

Im going to miss u the most in PSE ur a cheeky bitch to Mrs L, u’ve been a top mate good luck in your exams! – RS

how long have i known you for now? 4 years? god I must be brave! You have always been a loud mouth but I luv ya for it n u have made me laff so many times luv u 4eve – RB

good luck ill miss ya coz ur a nutter en alwayz make me laff! love ya loads – KM

its gonna be shit avin to leave coz ur mad as fuck and one of the checkist (sic) little people ive eva met towards teachers en u make me laugh especially when ur arguing with Mrs W in art. love ya loads – SB

do you remember when we got into Mrs W cupboard and u dipped ur finger in red paint and wrote “We can get in Ha ha ha!” and when we dressed as red indians and ran around the other class!! ta ta for now loadsa luv – SS

Gonna miss ur LOUDNESS especially in science n geography, you aint battered A for a while, should do, always gave everyone a laugh inabit – CB

what can i say. I have known you for a few years now and i have come to the conclusion that you are infact mental. You used to be so violent towards me but thankfully you got over that phase lots of luv – DH

Hi we were in primary together then you left and then at SS you hated me most of the time, good luck in your exams – AP

Great, farewell C, eat lots, drink lots, smoke lots, Be a happy bee. get a nice job in a big office. Peace, love empathy – SG

Well that was irony boo……..

Textiles has been THE maddest lesson and it’s all your fault you crazy child! lots of love – KS

 

Well your one crazy girl! Hope u do really welll in your exams, I remember when u brought the little horses to my house – strange child! Ur loud and happy make sure you stay that way! – VG

 

I hope you never loose your big gob as it makes you you! – MG

 

i’ll always remember you in Geography – your mouth at the back of the class shouting shit will miss your big mouth – AW

 

erm, well you have always been a bit hyper. You haven’t changed much have you? you still take the mickey out of Mrs L and every other teacher love – KC

 

after five years in your form i still haven’t got used to the screaming. Ah well, at least I’m not going to be in any of your lessons – RS

 

remember da time you chucked a fat spider at Mrs L (breath)  loadsa love – CC

 

he he well you have made science fun. You’re crazy lol and they say I am – KG

 

well you have made lessons how can I put it – interesting love – HD

 

you have a big mouth and need to know how to keep it shut apart from that you are alright lots of love – JJ

 

Now for teachers……..

 

C – LOUD is not the word. But seriously, don’t waste your ability – Mrs S

 

Never short of something to say. Enjoy – Mr P

 

Dear C, well! Phew! What a character you are. I’m amazed you lasted tge course. you must be the loudest girl in the school no the world. Remember take that little old chip off your shoulder and count your talents. You will achieve a great deal if you let yourself. Think before you speak is lesson one. love from – Mrs H

 

I think you could probably draw your own conclusion from my leavers book. Cringe.

I suppose I appeared happy, confident, boisterous and cocky from what I can gather from friends opinions on me during school. So then why do I remember so much despair, fear and pain 😦

Mrs H saw the despair but she also saw the potential. Sigh.

 

Marilyn Monroe

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Marilyn Monroe

Rumour has it……..

 

My Sanctuary. My Horse.

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When ever I come home from seeing the equine I have a sense of fulfilment. He seems to know how to act around me to bring out the best in our relationship. Whether sheer cheek is required to raise a laugh or  gentle nuzzles with warm breath to sooth my turmoil, he always knows what to do. Today he was on top form, how to take her mind off things he thinks…..I know I will be an utter goon, that will make her smile.

I felt like I was on a powerful machine today. His energy was high which was surprising as generally he is quite a lazy character. He was working round and under himself and really was enjoying the sights and sounds. He floated past some mares out in a field showing off and I felt like I was driving on Ice all control was gone and he was taking charge. They decided to charge about snorting only enhancing his exuberance. Once we regained control we headed back, and yes as usual I was smiling from ear to ear! No thoughts in my mind other than gushy affection for my pony. Expensive but totally worth it is horse therapy 🙂  and I need to ride MORE. Damn these dark nights. Damn what they do to my get up and go!!

Getting in the saddle is the hard bit when I feel low. Its like anything with depression effort is just what it is.. effort. Now I am back UP and my mood is generally GOOD, riding is back on the agenda. My poor lazy pony haha! This Summer he will not know what has hit him!

Nothing makes him happier than a hay net and a mint. He LIVES for food and cuddles. He does enjoy a good schooling session once he gets through his initial gym phobia and fittens up, but he would much rather be jumping. Hacking he loves the most, mainly as he is free to gallop about as fast as he can without a care in the world, bucking and farting his way along. He is not a difficult horse as far as horses go. He has simple requirements and doesn’t tend to over think things. The opposite to me!!

He is however courageous and bold, intelligent and curious. Traits we tend to overlap although bravery can falter with even the toughest of us and he still has a cow issue and I still cannot do heights. Nobody is perfect. I suppose I contributed a lot to what he is today. I have had him since he was a young colt and let him experience life to the full. My mum gifted him to me after she nurtured him in his first 18 months. He is now coming up for 6 years old. That was the last time I saw my mum around this period of handover. That is a strange tale best left for another day. Any who I should be proud of the pony I helped create. Proud of myself. He is more stable and functional than me on most days!! YEY another positive in life. I have the BEST pony in the WORLD.

I need his calm and tranquillity as much as he needs this from me. He keeps me in-line in many respects. Gets me out of bed every day. He is the reason I go without so much…….so he can have the best. I may not have the latest fashion trends, yard boots or flash car, but WE are happy and that is what is important. Material things really are not, even though they are lovely and we can all dream.

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KEEP DREAMING XXX