not enough tissues for issues

Something's got to give……

Are things REALLY that bad? February 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 1:42 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Woke up late today. That is never a good sign. Anxiety levels are up slightly. I would say a 2 out of 10. So now I spend my usual hour or two trying to fathom the reasons for this anxiety, in turn raising its level to a 4 or a 5. Depression is also slightly elevated today, I feel low about an impending busy Monday I have, is this really a depressive mood or just my body reacting to worry. I do not know but today I am going to work with these feelings and kick them to the curb.


Phew it is useful sometimes to just stop. I find myself often unnecessarily chasing greedy energy consuming thoughts. I cannot stay on a thought long enough to give it some rationality and the next warped one comes along twisting and turning the previous into a more dramatic version of events. Gulp that was a big palpitation. So I now tell myself to stop. Take some big slow breaths and take stock of my warped thinking. Some call it cognitive behavioural therapy, some self help. I call it getting a FUCKING GRIP.

So I have looked at my daily activities and it is quite apparent I spend hours of my valuable day just brooding, planning, worrying, escalating, “what iffing” and procrastinating with very little benefit. What do I achieve other than a finely tuned plan to “cope” with the things in life I “have to do” that in all fairness never actually  come to fruition or actually follow the path I carefully laid down. I need to learn to go with the flow somewhat and deal with things as they come. I would have a hundred times more energy to then deal with any eventuality however unplanned! Seems sensible eh, I need a mantra for this strategy…………..


So my thinking is rather than focusing all my energy on the negatives in life I would take stock of the positives. I should value what I am lucky enough to have. So lets take a look.

  1. him – I honestly do not know where to start. Without him I know I would never cope. He is my best friend, soul mate, lover and protector. He keeps me sane. He understands when nobody else does. He knows what I NEED. He knows how to handle me (these days lol) He is my future, my happiness and my world. I needn’t say more but I am VERY lucky to have him.
  2. I own a property. Now at 27 I am VERY fortunate to have been on the housing ladder for the last couple of years. I may struggle to pay the bills but this is a sacrifice worth making to say I am a home owner. I am at liberty to do what I want in my own property! There is not a nicer feeling than having a “home” and its the start of our future family. I live in an amazing location considering the budget I had for our little terrace house, in what I would deem a semi rural area on a row of ex miners cottages. Surrounded by countryside, canals and walks for miles I am very very lucky. I do not take advantage of where I live right now – miserable cow. That WILL change, and I WILL start that damn allotment I bought 25 books for this year :-/
  3. My animals. First I have the dog, he is not very bright my dog, he tries hard though bless him. He is big, smelly and dumb and moults for fun. Would I change him? Nah! He is an enthusiastic soul that is for ever burnt onto mine. Dogs really are your best friend and he is never not happy to see me! (unless he has been in the cat litter box then he tends to look guilty lol) Which then brings me to the cats. I have a old female black and white moggy and a young Ragdoll male. They deserve a post to themselves at some point! I admire their chilled outlook on life. Oh to be a cat.
  4. My horses. These guys although under the genre of animal really do fall into their own category. They cannot cuddle me on the sofa but none the less provide me with a huge outlet and relief to everyday life. The horse is an incredible animal much miss understood by those that have not been entranced by their elegance and beauty. Sensitive, intelligent and able to link into your soul, you really can become at one with a horse. I have to be conscious of my thoughts and feelings round the horse, as he feels them too. The horse needs you to inspire confidence in him if he feels you panic he panics too…..that is some food for thought.
  5. Close friends – Well I am a lucky girl here. I can honestly tell my friends anything. They understand and still stand by me! They still love me even when I am sad, scatty, neurotic, over reacting, stressing, bouncy, and out of control. They love me most when I am happy and manic. Funnily enough so do I. My friends also deserve a post to themselves. Without them I really would not know where I would be today. How they cope with me………. now that is a question!!
  6. Family. My heart skipped a beat here. Its a difficult subject is family. I have one, albeit small. It mainly consists of my dad and my sister. We have our ups and downs like most family’s but what I do know deep down is I can count on them when it matters. My mother I have not seen in over 5 years and she would easily consume my blog, for now I am not going there. Its another damn gremlin to stuff back behind the sofa until I am ready scruff it by the neck drag it out and kick its arse.
  7. My neighbours. I feel they deserve a mention. In our village we are close to our neighbours. I live on a rickty old farm track with 20 or so houses. We have our little row of old falling down and damp terraces. A few barns with the well off inhabiting, and several farms. We all know each other and it can often feel like an episode of Emmerdale. We tend to have less murders and affairs though and more community spirit. If you are doing anything involving manual labour outside you can bet one of them is there wielding a digger or a pitch fork. I love it and would not change a thing. Well I might like to change the miserable bastard from next door but two hah. One of my neighbours has also fallen into the friends category! Lucky me!  One of the nicest people you could ever meet is next door but one and she is always there for me no matter what. I do love Ms M. x
  8. Health. Ahhh the cause of much anxiety to me and other people is health. Would I say I have mine? Technically I am alive and quite well. So I would say I do have my health. Could it be better……well couldn’t most things? I know I need to address improving my health while I still “have it” that is definitely on the future agenda. Between precancerous cells, breast lumps and severe bowel complaints I have had my share of scares. Where is that mantra again..oh yes…. LIFE HAPPENS.
  9. A career. I have a job! Wooo. Again I AM fortunate as unemployment is at its highest levels to date. I love my job and can really see my future there, unlike previous jobs. I just need to not screw this up, get well and get my teeth back into work. All very scary right now as I have been off for quite some time with one thing and another. I am officially back tomorrow…….. :-O
  10. MONEY –  is in capitals as to me it is what so many people feel will solve all their worries and problems. Would it solve mine? Not likely you cannot pay to have a chemical imbalance rectified unfortunately. It can help  in some circumstances however, life still happens though. Cars brake down, gas bills go up, the dog needs  a vet, insurance renewals increase. Blergh and blah. A LOT of my stress is money. I am trying to look at the bigger picture. I include it in my what to be grateful for as I am not starving, I have a roof over my head and like EVERYONE out there RIGHT NOW I am skint, but it is the times we live in. I am coping and somehow managing to get by. What is the worse that could happen? I have to make payment arrangements when I miss a payment? Heaven forbid! Companies would rather support these days than throw in the towel with people as they would be throwing one hell of a lot of cloth. I also work in debt collections (ohh the irony….) so know how it allllll works, how credit scores are affected and understand the potential impacts (not many in all honesty court is damn expensive lol) SO WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN……….  Not much. Things ALWAYS  work out in the end. You can only deal with one thing at once.
  11. This is my final thing to be grateful for. TIME. I still have a lot of time. I have this on my side at least, and time is a healer. With time anything can change. I always feel like I never have enough. Structure and order is certainly something I need to focus on to improve this. I also need to learn to MAKE time to do things I enjoy. Today I am doing just that and going for a ride on the horse to unwind and prepare to get back into work.

So I have a lot to be massively thankful for. So why do I worry. I don’t know what is round the corner, nobody does. Will I deal with what is round the corner. YEP. I always do. Will you cope with what is round the corner. YEP. You always do. Its human nature to just deal with it, its how we let it adjust our emotional state that is important. The trick is to not let it. That is something I will continue to work on.

Something I have found very useful of late is a website called “MOOD GYM” I can at my own leisure learn techniques to correct my thoughts and behaviours. So far so good. Strangely the next part of the course is looking at the positives in life. For once I am one step ahead! Yey PROGRESS 🙂



Involuntary Abstinence February 2, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 4:55 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,


So part of the “over haul my life” strategy is to STOP drinking. That is everything from a “you deserve it, its been a hard day pal” glass of wine to my weekends all out, partying hard shot fest of a binge.




I have vowed to myself that the alcohol has to stop, and tee-total IS the ONLY way to do it. It is the devil on my shoulder of rationality and the border control of my continent Insania. I still cannot face going into the whys and hows of this decision. I can feel the anxiety and despair rising at the thought of past alcohol induced manic attacks and corresponding actions and impacts. The most recent “attack” really has been a shock to my system as to how vulnerable and susceptible to psychosis I am under the “influence”… I will go there……just not today. Ultimately I let it happen.


So the date of my last ever alcoholic drink was the 28th of January 2013. I had two cans of larger with a meal and really enjoyed them. I like the thought that my last taste of synapse confuddling venom was a pleasant one. I am weird like that. That is it I have made a commitment. Cravings are low today, in all fairness they have been since that fateful night I was shocked into a lifestyle altering mindset.


I feel fine today really. Anxiety is low to negligible. Depression is gone. Energy is high and I have had what I would consider a nice day. Walked the dog with him, then bathed dog, cleaned the house, cleaned the garden. A busy buzzy day 🙂 A frosty and bright Winter day. Perfect mind clearing weather.


Week 6 on Prozac has brought about an abstinence that is some what involuntary. My lubrication system appears to have stopped working at its full potential….Him is insatiable at the moment due to my “high” so this is not good….. I will revisit my thoughts on that one, once I know what to think :-/


My Inspiration…. February 1, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 8:10 pm
Tags: , , ,





Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 7:55 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Without “him” I am NOTHING

My soul mate, confidant, lover and world…..

My Universe.

HIM xxx


So…..go on a blog eh?

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 7:07 pm
Tags: , , , , ,


So I am writing a blog. LOL. My mind has gone blank…. Fuck….. it is bloody helpful is my mind you know. Erm… life errrm.

Okay so how would I describe my mind?

Turbulent? Racing with thoughts, ideas, worries and plans? Occasionally functional, rarely organised? An over analysing, easily deceived, vulnerable to outside influence, ever craving approval type of mind?  Blergh. I am not easy to describe. I would say I was intelligent, I crave knowledge on all subjects. I guess I am making up for a turbulent school education or lack of, this is a topic I will cover in a future post. For now I will carry on waffling my reasons for this blog.

I am a very up and down sort of person, some would say bipolar. Things can excite me beyond what is normal and I can achieve a huge amount in my life and for weeks and months, I appear fully functioning, capable and bubbly. I am great, everything is great and I am on top of the world! Nothing bothers me, money is no object. I am social. I partake in fun activities some daring, I can talk for fun, I can talk anyone into anything. I am a total party animal that is fun to laugh with and at. I am always the “joker”and have always been known as the “funny” one and if I am being totally honest I am happy when I am like this. Wouldn’t you be?

Then suddenly, often without an explanation a crushing depression where death would be appreciated like a dark sulphur engulfed sky comes crashing down swarming my soul crushing every part of my energy and personality. I cannot cope with general “everyday” stress. The world is against me and I am against them. I am not nice to be a round, I am miserable and fall into OCD behaviours and avoid social and fun activities. I dramatically loose weight and drinking becomes a crux. Depression has cropped up in my life since my early years. I also tended not to seek help and just wait out the symptoms until my sun came back. I toyed with some counselling sessions, CBT and tablets. I never really grabbed the chance to get over these lulls as by the time a desprate situation occurred and help was finally sought the highs came flying back round the corner smiling and holding hands with the obligatory mood shift to ” I am beyond jubilant to be alive!! ”

I am in the “system” I have been for  years….Its all an NHS waiting game as to my medical future, they are more than inadequate at establishing what exactly is my condition but it is likely bipolar according to several medical professionals I have sat in a pokey room with during my inconsistent treatment. ( I must however take some responsibility for this myself, again I will go into this further in a future post) For now I will continue to take my mania inducing prozac and the anti psychotics and plod on, but I WANT answers and MY CONTROL BACK.

I have noticed it also depends what season, hormone, event or stress I am currently dealing with as to how I feel. These I find can be influential triggers,  I am often stoned, my reason……..ok excuse. It makes me creative and appreciative of life when I am happy it also helps me snore the happy days away when sleep is low on the list of my 100’s of priorities that day ha ha. I laugh but these are the good times for me. I AM happy, everyone around me is happy! I like to smoke when I feel like this. When I am low it has another purpose, It means I can focus on shite telly rather than my anxieties and worries. I can sleep through my anxieties and worries. I can eat through my anxieties and worries, work through my anxieties and worries. Okay so you are probably getting the picture.

Am I crazy? Psychotic? Manic? Hypomanic? Depressive? Just plain old “quirky?” Meh who knows. What I do know is I need some help. I need to rein in my behaviours. Grab the support readily available to me from him, friends, family and the health service. The ball is in my court. Its time for me to take back control of the reins and steady this beast before it bashes anymore carnage and recklessness into my life.

Drunk is BAD it makes me BAD.  I am not ready to go into that yet. Its a raw subject and recent events still hurt. I will revisit this. I owe it to myself to.

so the blog………..

I suppose the reason for this blog is my MIND.  My “mental health” and my physical health. I am 5ft6 and weigh 100 pounds. When I am anxious, stressed and depressed I don’t eat. I don’t tend to worry about what I eat nor would I call myself anorexic, if I have an appetite I will eat, if I don’t I wont. There is nothing more to it. Resolving my emotional negativity to life I hope will reflect on me physically. I look tired, frail and drawn. I am only 27.I still have a lot to give 🙂

I have some issues that need dealing with and I have hit a huge crisis point in my life that now needs URGENTLY resolving.  A blog is my way of I suppose monitoring my progress in getting my life back on track. To remind me what I do not want to go back to in my behaviours, feeling and thoughts. Recognise my healthy living, mentally and physically. I have lost control of life lately and I want it BACK.



“She was a gir… January 30, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 5:45 pm

“She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know ”


“Imperfection i…

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 5:44 pm

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”