not enough tissues for issues

Something's got to give……

Damn you weekend cravings….. February 10, 2013

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So I fell of the coffee wagon yesterday. Royally. I had four which is less than usual but is four more than I had promised myself. I had a huge caffeine withdrawal headache all day on Friday so Yesterday I had one to stave off yet another head pain. Or so I told myself. Just have the one I decided. Its like weaning. FAIL. One led to another to another.

So I look at why. I had a bit of a row with him. We do not argue often but when we do it knocks me for six and I feel shit all day. I am still being regimented in my TEE TOTAL from alcohol,  so instead of turning to drink, coffee it seems is the next best thing. Plus its weekend and I need something to replace the bottle of wine or two I consume on the average Saturday night. So there are my excuses and I am quite aware that is what they are – excuses.

I am enjoying one right now. FAIL. This WILL be the only one today. I could laugh. I can quit alcohol which was a huge land mark for me and this must be the longest I have abstained from a drink since the first time I tried it and yet coffee is walking the hell all over me. What the fuck brain. Seriously what the fuck.

On the plus side Yesterday was not a complete failure I had the most productive afternoon. The house as usual during a hypomanic episode is immaculate and obsessively compulsively arranged. I had a meditation session courtesy of You Tube / Mood Gym and I found I relaxed the best I had ever managed in my life. I swear by making the time to have a chill and clear your mind. It really helps me unwind and focus my manic energies somewhat. Then  I went on to spend 3 hours scrubbing horse tack back to beauty and then oiled the leather half to death. You do have to moisturise dead skin too ha.

Today I feel great. No anxiety what so ever. No head ache. Depression is none existent. Phew this hopefully may be the end to my recent mixed episode.  I have also put on ten pounds too in this last couple of weeks wooo! I am now 110 pounds and my BMI has increased to 17.96 from a worrying 16.31. I am still considered underweight but this is an improvement none the less. Go me!

I also found that I am back functioning as make up sex with him was great last night! Thank god for that. That has been worrying me no end.

So today I am going for a hack out on the horses with my longest suffering best mate J. We really are thick as thieves and I always have a great time when I am with her. In all the years I have known her she has been there for me no matter what and vise versa. I can be myself fully around her and she never judges me. She is in all fairness barmy and I suppose that is why we have clung to each other for over ten years! J is so lucky she has has the most gorgeous baby girl I have ever ever seen. I will hereby refer to her baby Puffit which is her favourite baby snack. She makes my womb pang every time I see her! She is so so intelligent she learns something new daily. I cannot wait to have my own Puffit! I unfortunately won’t see her today she is far too little to join us on a ride out. Trust me when I say as soon as she can we will be pony shopping!!

I then plan on having a massive pamper session tonight. I have a new few treats to use so I am going to indulge. The house is clean and tidy, I will be well exercised from our ride, and I am back in work tomorrow. Seems a good idea to me, to go back refreshed and feeling lovely.

Relax and Unwind today guys 🙂 It is Sunday after all! Treat yourselves!

 

Involuntary Abstinence February 2, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — not enough tissues for issues @ 4:55 pm
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So part of the “over haul my life” strategy is to STOP drinking. That is everything from a “you deserve it, its been a hard day pal” glass of wine to my weekends all out, partying hard shot fest of a binge.

 

ZERO, ZILTCH. NONE.

 

I have vowed to myself that the alcohol has to stop, and tee-total IS the ONLY way to do it. It is the devil on my shoulder of rationality and the border control of my continent Insania. I still cannot face going into the whys and hows of this decision. I can feel the anxiety and despair rising at the thought of past alcohol induced manic attacks and corresponding actions and impacts. The most recent “attack” really has been a shock to my system as to how vulnerable and susceptible to psychosis I am under the “influence”… I will go there……just not today. Ultimately I let it happen.

 

So the date of my last ever alcoholic drink was the 28th of January 2013. I had two cans of larger with a meal and really enjoyed them. I like the thought that my last taste of synapse confuddling venom was a pleasant one. I am weird like that. That is it I have made a commitment. Cravings are low today, in all fairness they have been since that fateful night I was shocked into a lifestyle altering mindset.

 

I feel fine today really. Anxiety is low to negligible. Depression is gone. Energy is high and I have had what I would consider a nice day. Walked the dog with him, then bathed dog, cleaned the house, cleaned the garden. A busy buzzy day 🙂 A frosty and bright Winter day. Perfect mind clearing weather.

 

Week 6 on Prozac has brought about an abstinence that is some what involuntary. My lubrication system appears to have stopped working at its full potential….Him is insatiable at the moment due to my “high” so this is not good….. I will revisit my thoughts on that one, once I know what to think :-/