So I am writing a blog. LOL. My mind has gone blank…. Fuck….. it is bloody helpful is my mind you know. Erm… life errrm.
Okay so how would I describe my mind?
Turbulent? Racing with thoughts, ideas, worries and plans? Occasionally functional, rarely organised? An over analysing, easily deceived, vulnerable to outside influence, ever craving approval type of mind? Blergh. I am not easy to describe. I would say I was intelligent, I crave knowledge on all subjects. I guess I am making up for a turbulent school education or lack of, this is a topic I will cover in a future post. For now I will carry on waffling my reasons for this blog.
I am a very up and down sort of person, some would say bipolar. Things can excite me beyond what is normal and I can achieve a huge amount in my life and for weeks and months, I appear fully functioning, capable and bubbly. I am great, everything is great and I am on top of the world! Nothing bothers me, money is no object. I am social. I partake in fun activities some daring, I can talk for fun, I can talk anyone into anything. I am a total party animal that is fun to laugh with and at. I am always the “joker”and have always been known as the “funny” one and if I am being totally honest I am happy when I am like this. Wouldn’t you be?
Then suddenly, often without an explanation a crushing depression where death would be appreciated like a dark sulphur engulfed sky comes crashing down swarming my soul crushing every part of my energy and personality. I cannot cope with general “everyday” stress. The world is against me and I am against them. I am not nice to be a round, I am miserable and fall into OCD behaviours and avoid social and fun activities. I dramatically loose weight and drinking becomes a crux. Depression has cropped up in my life since my early years. I also tended not to seek help and just wait out the symptoms until my sun came back. I toyed with some counselling sessions, CBT and tablets. I never really grabbed the chance to get over these lulls as by the time a desprate situation occurred and help was finally sought the highs came flying back round the corner smiling and holding hands with the obligatory mood shift to ” I am beyond jubilant to be alive!! ”
I am in the “system” I have been for years….Its all an NHS waiting game as to my medical future, they are more than inadequate at establishing what exactly is my condition but it is likely bipolar according to several medical professionals I have sat in a pokey room with during my inconsistent treatment. ( I must however take some responsibility for this myself, again I will go into this further in a future post) For now I will continue to take my mania inducing prozac and the anti psychotics and plod on, but I WANT answers and MY CONTROL BACK.
I have noticed it also depends what season, hormone, event or stress I am currently dealing with as to how I feel. These I find can be influential triggers, I am often stoned, my reason……..ok excuse. It makes me creative and appreciative of life when I am happy it also helps me snore the happy days away when sleep is low on the list of my 100’s of priorities that day ha ha. I laugh but these are the good times for me. I AM happy, everyone around me is happy! I like to smoke when I feel like this. When I am low it has another purpose, It means I can focus on shite telly rather than my anxieties and worries. I can sleep through my anxieties and worries. I can eat through my anxieties and worries, work through my anxieties and worries. Okay so you are probably getting the picture.
Am I crazy? Psychotic? Manic? Hypomanic? Depressive? Just plain old “quirky?” Meh who knows. What I do know is I need some help. I need to rein in my behaviours. Grab the support readily available to me from him, friends, family and the health service. The ball is in my court. Its time for me to take back control of the reins and steady this beast before it bashes anymore carnage and recklessness into my life.
Drunk is BAD it makes me BAD. I am not ready to go into that yet. Its a raw subject and recent events still hurt. I will revisit this. I owe it to myself to.
so the blog………..
I suppose the reason for this blog is my MIND. My “mental health” and my physical health. I am 5ft6 and weigh 100 pounds. When I am anxious, stressed and depressed I don’t eat. I don’t tend to worry about what I eat nor would I call myself anorexic, if I have an appetite I will eat, if I don’t I wont. There is nothing more to it. Resolving my emotional negativity to life I hope will reflect on me physically. I look tired, frail and drawn. I am only 27.I still have a lot to give 🙂
I have some issues that need dealing with and I have hit a huge crisis point in my life that now needs URGENTLY resolving. A blog is my way of I suppose monitoring my progress in getting my life back on track. To remind me what I do not want to go back to in my behaviours, feeling and thoughts. Recognise my healthy living, mentally and physically. I have lost control of life lately and I want it BACK.
TO BE CONTINUED……..