not enough tissues for issues

Something's got to give……

A good few days of feeling not so crazy. February 6, 2013

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So on Monday I went back to work, and it was actually not too bad. I didn’t get that nervous really only a few butterflies in my trepidation. I am only doing half days on fairly light duties this week too so I am easing gently back into my role. I do love the company I work for, they have been really really supportive. I just wish I had my strong work ethic and get up and go back. Hopefully that will be the next missing part of my personality to reappear.

I have also spent the last few days writing a large blog piece on something that really cut me up last year and in some respects started my down wood spiral into my recent mental crisis. I have had to have a break from writing about it, as it was encouraging some really unwanted emotions, which right now whilst I am on the “up” I need full control of. It is also still a relatively open ended story with new events unfolding all the time, I will return to it, just when my angry urges to destruct and destroy have subsided somewhat.

People at work have been commenting on my weight. I hate that. I know I am thin right now. Desperately thin. If I do not feel hungry I cannot force myself to eat. I just end up near on throwing up if I do. I have been having some complan shakes and milky coffee so to get some calories in but I know I need to do more. I was talking to my best friend on the phone as she has recently had an awful experience with her now ex fella and she dropped a simular amount of weight with all the stress. B has since put some weight back on but she mentioned she felt worried about piling on too much as she sort of liked being so slim. I find I am getting the same thoughts. Like I want to eat healthy, tone up and build muscle to bulk out rather than eat the weight back on in fat. I also want to give up smoking so I suppose any quitting weight gain would be a bonus.

I need a massive health kick. It is time to act while age is on my side. When I felt so so sick for several weeks over Xmas when all this weight loss first started, I quit coffee as the thought of it coming near me made me wretch. I admit within days even with the sickness I felt more alert, my bladder felt healthier and my head clearer. I found my moods  were a lot more stable (well as stable as they can be with a mood disorder) and I was less irritable. Unfortunately once the sickness subsided I found solace in my old friend,  as food was still a no go and it had a subsistence of sorts. Mainly It provided blood sugar and woke me up a little from my weak and now starved state.

A few weeks of antidepressants and my appetite is now improving, I can eat a small meal in an evening followed by a few bags of crisps and a chocolate bar. Woo. A joint I find also helps.  I am also reluctant to stop the weed right now as its helping me to eat and sleep. One thing at once eh I tell myself, if I try to achieve too much I am setting myself up for failure. I should know I have done it time and time again!

Here we are back on four coffees a day bollocks. So coffee has to go. That is an easy one I know I can do, I also quite like them herbal teas so it is a no brainer as far as I can see. Next is the eating healthy. So I am going to have a “big shop” on Saturday and really overall my diet. Healthy, nutritious and calorific is the plan. Then there is working out. Erm yeah I will wait untill I find the physical energy for exercise,  I only seem to have a tonne of scatty mental energy at the moment that struggles to focus and constantly attempts a hundred thoughts at once. Productive it is not at the moment. Maybe my diet improvements will help my excitable over active brain and power up my tired frail body. I hope so! The getting rid of caffeine is a start. Tomorrow I take my camomile and mint herbal tea to work. Good lass.