not enough tissues for issues

Something's got to give……

Damn you weekend cravings….. February 10, 2013


So I fell of the coffee wagon yesterday. Royally. I had four which is less than usual but is four more than I had promised myself. I had a huge caffeine withdrawal headache all day on Friday so Yesterday I had one to stave off yet another head pain. Or so I told myself. Just have the one I decided. Its like weaning. FAIL. One led to another to another.

So I look at why. I had a bit of a row with him. We do not argue often but when we do it knocks me for six and I feel shit all day. I am still being regimented in my TEE TOTAL from alcohol,  so instead of turning to drink, coffee it seems is the next best thing. Plus its weekend and I need something to replace the bottle of wine or two I consume on the average Saturday night. So there are my excuses and I am quite aware that is what they are – excuses.

I am enjoying one right now. FAIL. This WILL be the only one today. I could laugh. I can quit alcohol which was a huge land mark for me and this must be the longest I have abstained from a drink since the first time I tried it and yet coffee is walking the hell all over me. What the fuck brain. Seriously what the fuck.

On the plus side Yesterday was not a complete failure I had the most productive afternoon. The house as usual during a hypomanic episode is immaculate and obsessively compulsively arranged. I had a meditation session courtesy of You Tube / Mood Gym and I found I relaxed the best I had ever managed in my life. I swear by making the time to have a chill and clear your mind. It really helps me unwind and focus my manic energies somewhat. Then  I went on to spend 3 hours scrubbing horse tack back to beauty and then oiled the leather half to death. You do have to moisturise dead skin too ha.

Today I feel great. No anxiety what so ever. No head ache. Depression is none existent. Phew this hopefully may be the end to my recent mixed episode.  I have also put on ten pounds too in this last couple of weeks wooo! I am now 110 pounds and my BMI has increased to 17.96 from a worrying 16.31. I am still considered underweight but this is an improvement none the less. Go me!

I also found that I am back functioning as make up sex with him was great last night! Thank god for that. That has been worrying me no end.

So today I am going for a hack out on the horses with my longest suffering best mate J. We really are thick as thieves and I always have a great time when I am with her. In all the years I have known her she has been there for me no matter what and vise versa. I can be myself fully around her and she never judges me. She is in all fairness barmy and I suppose that is why we have clung to each other for over ten years! J is so lucky she has has the most gorgeous baby girl I have ever ever seen. I will hereby refer to her baby Puffit which is her favourite baby snack. She makes my womb pang every time I see her! She is so so intelligent she learns something new daily. I cannot wait to have my own Puffit! I unfortunately won’t see her today she is far too little to join us on a ride out. Trust me when I say as soon as she can we will be pony shopping!!

I then plan on having a massive pamper session tonight. I have a new few treats to use so I am going to indulge. The house is clean and tidy, I will be well exercised from our ride, and I am back in work tomorrow. Seems a good idea to me, to go back refreshed and feeling lovely.

Relax and Unwind today guys 🙂 It is Sunday after all! Treat yourselves!


A good few days of feeling not so crazy. February 6, 2013

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So on Monday I went back to work, and it was actually not too bad. I didn’t get that nervous really only a few butterflies in my trepidation. I am only doing half days on fairly light duties this week too so I am easing gently back into my role. I do love the company I work for, they have been really really supportive. I just wish I had my strong work ethic and get up and go back. Hopefully that will be the next missing part of my personality to reappear.

I have also spent the last few days writing a large blog piece on something that really cut me up last year and in some respects started my down wood spiral into my recent mental crisis. I have had to have a break from writing about it, as it was encouraging some really unwanted emotions, which right now whilst I am on the “up” I need full control of. It is also still a relatively open ended story with new events unfolding all the time, I will return to it, just when my angry urges to destruct and destroy have subsided somewhat.

People at work have been commenting on my weight. I hate that. I know I am thin right now. Desperately thin. If I do not feel hungry I cannot force myself to eat. I just end up near on throwing up if I do. I have been having some complan shakes and milky coffee so to get some calories in but I know I need to do more. I was talking to my best friend on the phone as she has recently had an awful experience with her now ex fella and she dropped a simular amount of weight with all the stress. B has since put some weight back on but she mentioned she felt worried about piling on too much as she sort of liked being so slim. I find I am getting the same thoughts. Like I want to eat healthy, tone up and build muscle to bulk out rather than eat the weight back on in fat. I also want to give up smoking so I suppose any quitting weight gain would be a bonus.

I need a massive health kick. It is time to act while age is on my side. When I felt so so sick for several weeks over Xmas when all this weight loss first started, I quit coffee as the thought of it coming near me made me wretch. I admit within days even with the sickness I felt more alert, my bladder felt healthier and my head clearer. I found my moods  were a lot more stable (well as stable as they can be with a mood disorder) and I was less irritable. Unfortunately once the sickness subsided I found solace in my old friend,  as food was still a no go and it had a subsistence of sorts. Mainly It provided blood sugar and woke me up a little from my weak and now starved state.

A few weeks of antidepressants and my appetite is now improving, I can eat a small meal in an evening followed by a few bags of crisps and a chocolate bar. Woo. A joint I find also helps.  I am also reluctant to stop the weed right now as its helping me to eat and sleep. One thing at once eh I tell myself, if I try to achieve too much I am setting myself up for failure. I should know I have done it time and time again!

Here we are back on four coffees a day bollocks. So coffee has to go. That is an easy one I know I can do, I also quite like them herbal teas so it is a no brainer as far as I can see. Next is the eating healthy. So I am going to have a “big shop” on Saturday and really overall my diet. Healthy, nutritious and calorific is the plan. Then there is working out. Erm yeah I will wait untill I find the physical energy for exercise,  I only seem to have a tonne of scatty mental energy at the moment that struggles to focus and constantly attempts a hundred thoughts at once. Productive it is not at the moment. Maybe my diet improvements will help my excitable over active brain and power up my tired frail body. I hope so! The getting rid of caffeine is a start. Tomorrow I take my camomile and mint herbal tea to work. Good lass.